Life

I am not feeling well, so I just want to vent a little bit on my own page, so, for those who are following me, I do hope this is alright.

So, it is a little less than 2 weeks until my 30th birthday and it really has me thinking…

Who am I?

I look in the mirror and I just do not know anymore.

And then I reflect on everything that I have been through in my life.

I have been got married, then divorced, re-married, he passed from cancer, I meet a great guy, we lose a child at 8 weeks pregnant (ectopic rupture), and he puts a ring on my finger and makes me feel all giddy and happy in side, and I find out I have degenerative disc disease and had to have a surgery to replace a disc that was pressing on my spinal cord, almost causing me to be paralyzed. This all since I turned 18.

In the meantime, I am getting older, going through school, starting back on Oct. 6th and finally, for a month now, have a job (notice I didn’t say career), I pretty much enjoy, especially because I have made some great friends from the job that I can literally talk to about anything. No judgement.

But now, as I sit here in bed, feeling like I have an upper respiratory infection coming on and praying it isn’t…  I wonder where this life is taking me, what is to become of me, and why do I feel like I have not accomplished a single damn thing with my time that I have had so far on this earth. Why, do I feel like, I am just a speck of dust that is of no matter to anyone or anything in this world but to only be swept up in the dust pan and thrown in to the garbage can?

Why, the sudden urge of mood fluctuations and depression hitting me from time to time and spouts of wanting to cry?

I think it is because honestly, I do not feel accomplished in my life. I do not feel important or needed and that is not because of a particular person before anyone goes guessing. That is just in general.

I also no longer feel like myself. Now, this may make you laugh, but I am perfectly comfortable being a chubby bunny, however, I cannot stand myself. I look in the mirror and I want to scream. I hate my face, I hate my teeth, and I hate my hair. I feel like the most hideous person on the face of this planet.

On top of that, I just want to feel like my puzzle is finally coming together and  I can glue that sucker down and the pieces never fall a part.

I want to feel like I make an impact somehow, someway, and not just sit here and think about what I could have done differently in my life to make myself feel different than I do now and that is because, well, what good is pondering on the past going to do? Nothing, it is in the past, and you cannot change your past. This is not Back to the Future with the bad ass Delorean. Although, that would be absolutely amazing. Not that I would change my past, but, it may be pretty funny to set up those who were cruel and hateful to those around them lol. Jk, I am not that mean. Ok, maybe I am. Haha, sometimes.

But what all this boils down to and the insistent ramblings of my brain is, where do I go from here?

What happens to my life is the 3rd decade that I am entering in to?

Will exciting things happen? Am I doomed for more disappointment in my future?

Who knows? I sure as heck don’t, but, one thing I can say, is that I need something to come a long that shows me that life is worth living… That I am important to folks, that I do belong, and that I am special…AND NO, not special ed for those of you who want to be smart butts about it. You know who you are…

And before anyone can say it is not that bad as it seems… That is for you..

I am about to be 30.

This is not something I am looking forward to.

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2 thoughts on “Life”

  1. Nikki,
    I have known you a long time, and you really have been through a lot in your life already, but the one thing that you cannot do is stop trying. We use to be close, but I just noticed that it seems that there is always something that you are complaining about. I am a person that is always there to listen to my friends but not on a constant basis, when we are selves have things going on in our own lives. I have been there for you for some hard times in your life, and seen you go through so many changes and speaking in honest terms nikki, you are not who you used to be. You were one of the funniest people that I knew and could make me laugh all the time, and you used to not care what people thought of you and always found that amazing. I have seen you through many stages in your life and seems like your always trying to change yourself to make others happy. You were best when you were YOU.!!!!!! Now I just feel that you have given up on yourself and happiness in life and I dont life to see it, so I just rid myself from it. No, thats not cool of me,but I also have a lot going on in my life, Nikki, you are one of the smartest people that I know and are going to do great things in your life you just need a little motivation in your life. I know how it feels to get stuck in life, but its up to US to make get out of the hole. complaining about it doesn’t work, and bailing out on life doesn’t work. Get out there and show the true you and all your amazing talents. Sorry but I do not think you are meant to be just a housewife, you are meant for so much more SO GET IT TO. You have a masters degree woman put that things to work, get your license and get a little independence in your life. I am speaking these words because I know for so many years all I did was depend on Justin, and hated it I was raised to be independent, so I finally stopped complaining and made it happen. That is what you are going to have to do lady. 30 aint so bad by the way I do love ya girl, just want to the old nikki back 🙂

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    1. I am sorry if it seemed like I was complaining. That is not what I intended for that post to be about it, if you took it that way. I was just making a generalized statement about myself that I have been noticing. Tbh, I am happy. What bothers me is that, well, I used to stand out in a crowd, and now, I feel like I just blend in. I haven’t changed for anyone… I do things with myself like cut my hair or try clothes that I think I will like and then all of a sudden after I think, oh this is cute, it tends to fade away from what I liked to begin with… That is slowly changing but, change takes time, it doesn’t happen overnight. Although I am sure most of wish it did.
      I know I am smart LOL, not to sound conceited and I definitely plan on using the education I was given but, I really like the job I have now. It is fun and I work with some great people and it is a job where I can sit back and cut up with my coworkers or talk about more important things in between helping others. Yea, maybe it is not a long term career, but I am working on that.
      I have plenty to keep me busy. I am happy with that. I love having my own home to take care of, education I have and will be getting (knowledge is power right?), working on this website, my job with Needle, and working on my book.
      I have not given up on myself at all. If I had, I do not think I would even be taking the time to start this website up. Which I think is a great way for me to release things or update folks on what is going on.
      I am being independent.
      This has nothing to do with depending on Terry at all but the fact that there are small physical things about myself that I am not happy with, like I said, my face, my smile (teeth), and my hair.. Cannot change my face, but I think I look better with long hair and I just wish it could grow over night, my teeth, well, that runs in the family, and you see what my sister did, that will be my route too, just got to save up money for that…

      I have not come to anyone to complain, I know people have things going on in their lives, and this site was made for anyone to read if they wanted to. Not breaking any arms or holding folks hostage to make them read what is going on in my life.

      Maybe, someone out there feels the same way, this is open to the public, so, someone who is battling some issues like myself, we can help one another. Talk it out and be there for one another.

      I am in no way complaining.. I love my life as it is right now, just not so much in love with myself.

      I have not exactly given up on life. I’m not saying I am gonna off myself if nothing exciting comes along. I am past that time in my life now, grown from that. All I am saying is, with all the negative things I have been through, and then the amazing things I have been through, it seems that the amazing things have stopped coming along and now, its just life.

      Life with people killing one another, leaving children in cars, child abuse, people bullying one another, children and adults feeling like they cannot take life anymore so they commit suicide, wars over seas.

      I remember being a kid and not having to worry about all of these things. Sure some of it was there, but it was not so much of a public display as it is now. Things in this life are chaotic and it seems like there will be nothing putting an end to all the craziness we see…

      Not my life, but life in general, for anyone just seems so down lately… Hardly ever do you see a speck of positives displayed on the news or on social media.

      But, nevertheless, in my own house, I have my own little nirvana here.
      It may not be perfect, but nothing ever is.
      This is my own little bubble, my own little world, and at the coming to an end and the starting of a new decade in my life, it is up to me to see where I fit in outside of my bubble.

      I have not cared what people thought about me for some time..
      I now go out in public wearing no makeup or shorts even though I am a chubby bunny, cause let’s face it, at the end of the day, half the people that see us on the street, we will never see again.

      Who cares what a stranger thinks if that stranger has no impact on your life and well if they are not causing you any physical harm, they can just keep on walking with their spiteful words because it is up to us to decide what is to be said about us.

      Just please don’t mistake my venting for complaining. Folks vent all the time, I do not mind listening. There are plenty of people in this world who need someone to listen and maybe they turn to us because they know we won’t pass judgement or tell them things that at the time may seem impossible to comprehend. Yea, just giving out a shoulder to lean on and an a ear to listen from time to time can make a definite change in someones day, especially if we give out advice that is positive. Positive but not overwhelming because folks with trouble in their lives do not want to be overwhelmed, just, listened to. Yea, it may be a constant thing like I once was, but my Mom, Dad, and Terry, have helped a lot too. I am so thankful for them.

      Only reason I am really bummed right now is because darn it, I am getting sick haha. I don’t like getting sick and it makes for a sad panda lol. Damn these weather changes.
      And I do not want to get any older. I want to stay in my 20’s. 🙂
      I see some friends getting married, starting families and what not, and I am sitting here, just waiting for my time to come a long, where the puzzle is finally finished.

      But until then, I love where I am at. I love waking up next to a loving man, who loves me despite my mood fluctuations and health issues, who I can act stupid in front of and he just laughs at me like I am crazy, who I game out with on the weekends or go fishing with, and having someone like him to enjoy what we have in our own little bubble together.

      It is the things outside of family, our life together, our families, and our home, that are not in one giant bubble that tend to get me down like it does everyone else.

      Yea, people have problems, everyone does, life isn’t easy, and it is what we make it, with curve balls sometimes thrown our way or smacking us right in the face.
      But, it is up to everyone, to help those they care about with just lending a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
      We should never compare ones problems to our own, never make the advice we give them about us to think we are helping them, but come up with a new idea for them, something that would be special to them, to help them.

      This is life. We protect and help ourselves and those we love and cherish.

      Love you too!

      Like

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