I am not feeling well, so I just want to vent a little bit on my own page, so, for those who are following me, I do hope this is alright.
So, it is a little less than 2 weeks until my 30th birthday and it really has me thinking…
Who am I?
I look in the mirror and I just do not know anymore.
And then I reflect on everything that I have been through in my life.
I have been got married, then divorced, re-married, he passed from cancer, I meet a great guy, we lose a child at 8 weeks pregnant (ectopic rupture), and he puts a ring on my finger and makes me feel all giddy and happy in side, and I find out I have degenerative disc disease and had to have a surgery to replace a disc that was pressing on my spinal cord, almost causing me to be paralyzed. This all since I turned 18.
In the meantime, I am getting older, going through school, starting back on Oct. 6th and finally, for a month now, have a job (notice I didn’t say career), I pretty much enjoy, especially because I have made some great friends from the job that I can literally talk to about anything. No judgement.
But now, as I sit here in bed, feeling like I have an upper respiratory infection coming on and praying it isn’t… I wonder where this life is taking me, what is to become of me, and why do I feel like I have not accomplished a single damn thing with my time that I have had so far on this earth. Why, do I feel like, I am just a speck of dust that is of no matter to anyone or anything in this world but to only be swept up in the dust pan and thrown in to the garbage can?
Why, the sudden urge of mood fluctuations and depression hitting me from time to time and spouts of wanting to cry?
I think it is because honestly, I do not feel accomplished in my life. I do not feel important or needed and that is not because of a particular person before anyone goes guessing. That is just in general.
I also no longer feel like myself. Now, this may make you laugh, but I am perfectly comfortable being a chubby bunny, however, I cannot stand myself. I look in the mirror and I want to scream. I hate my face, I hate my teeth, and I hate my hair. I feel like the most hideous person on the face of this planet.
On top of that, I just want to feel like my puzzle is finally coming together and I can glue that sucker down and the pieces never fall a part.
I want to feel like I make an impact somehow, someway, and not just sit here and think about what I could have done differently in my life to make myself feel different than I do now and that is because, well, what good is pondering on the past going to do? Nothing, it is in the past, and you cannot change your past. This is not Back to the Future with the bad ass Delorean. Although, that would be absolutely amazing. Not that I would change my past, but, it may be pretty funny to set up those who were cruel and hateful to those around them lol. Jk, I am not that mean. Ok, maybe I am. Haha, sometimes.
But what all this boils down to and the insistent ramblings of my brain is, where do I go from here?
What happens to my life is the 3rd decade that I am entering in to?
Will exciting things happen? Am I doomed for more disappointment in my future?
Who knows? I sure as heck don’t, but, one thing I can say, is that I need something to come a long that shows me that life is worth living… That I am important to folks, that I do belong, and that I am special…AND NO, not special ed for those of you who want to be smart butts about it. You know who you are…
And before anyone can say it is not that bad as it seems… That is for you..
I am about to be 30.
This is not something I am looking forward to.